Get some self-control

Have you guys ever had those days where you are constantly fighting yourself? The ones where you know you have absolutely no reason to be upset, but you just want to be angry and pissy, just for the hell of it?

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I've been fighting it the last few days*. If I don't fight it, it rears up, spewing hatred and anger and shreds those around me, while I stand there idly thinking, "Well shit..." It can stretch on for days and days and days. But this time, I conquered the SOB. Kicked it in the face(ok, bawled my eyes out), and allowed it only one day. (Well, it seeped through to this morning, but it wasn't allowed to hang out past 9am.)

I'm feeling a lot better, and I'm not having these outbursts as often as I used to. Either I'm learning to control myself, or I don't have as much anger building up. Maybe it's both... but I kicked it's ass this time.


As for the real self-control? I need to study. I need to pass Physiology, with a good grade.

I'm trying to force myself to study. I am re-taking physiology this semester, and our first test was this past Monday. I wanted to break 70% on the multiple choice section. But, my brain hates me, and I got a whopping 66%. (I think this in part contributed to my itty-bitty ball of rage...) I was furious. My grades came to me naturally in high school. I never studied. I just did well. I have really horrible, terrible, abysmal (get the hint yet?) study habits. I can't focus on anything for longer than about... 30 seconds. Unless it's something I enjoy. Then I'm there 100%. But c'mon, studying isn't fuuun.

I have told myself in the past that I would do good in a class, and make a piss-poor attempt at studying, and flop. I will NOT let that happen this semester. I refuse to do this class a third time. REFUSE. So... I will bid my farewell, and stick my nose into my physiology book. I am studying ahead of time. I will not cram. I will learn it all before hand. Get help when I don't understand, and I will kick this class in the ass.

Over and out.

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*I honestly always feel guilty when the rage boils over. It tears The Boy to shreds, and he wants to help, but he can't. The only way to make it go away is to wait for the onslaught of tears, and let it peter out on it's own. When this happens, I can sit in a corner, in the fetal position, and cry myself silly for over an hour. I mop my tears and snot with a bandanna, throwing it in the laundry bin when I'm done. It works itself out, but he hasn't quite got that yet, and trying to tell him as much when I'm in that state apparently doesn't instill confidence in either of us. Ugh. It sucks.